Rob VirgesIn my last post on why looks don’t always matter, I wrote about developing your internal self-confidence with four key mindset shifts and affirmations.
In the fourth mindset, I go over the concept of never judging a situation as good or bad and going with the assumption that “it’s too soon to tell.” Essentially, it’s always too soon to judge a situation and come to a complete conclusion since dating, just like life itself, can be completely ambiguous.
One of the things I didn’t cover, especially for men who’ve been in the dating scene for a little bit is learning how to read the signs and signals that she’s giving off.
Let me paint this scenario for you:
You’re on a date with a beautiful girl that you just met the other day as you were doing some grocery shopping after getting out from your workout at the gym. As you walk through the fruit and vegetable section, you notice this pretty brunette standing by the melons and pomegranates. A few things go through your mind:
- “Omg, that’s the same girl who was by the leg press machine earlier that I wanted to talk to but my workout was more important,” and…
- “What should I say to her?”
As you spend the next few minutes deliberating on whether or not you should approach, you finally decide to take the chance and approach her cold. Even with the little hesitation, you manage to start conversation about the pomegranates, and with a little small talk manage to introduce yourself and get her name.
After the introduction and a little bit of flirting and banter, she gives you her phone number. You follow up a few hours later and decide to grab a drink at the lounge a few blocks down from your place and hers.
After securing the date, it suddenly hits you that you have no idea what the hell you’re going to do or what you have to do. You decide to go on the date and everything seems to go smoothly. Then after a few drinks, getting to know each other a little bit, and some more flirting, laughing, and banter, you get this gut feeling that you’re supposed to pull the trigger and make a move.
But instead of making a move, you take the more conservative route and eventually the date ends and you both part ways with plans to meet up again.
After two days, you follow up with her through text, but don’t get a response. You assume that she was busy and decide to follow up with a call the next day. It goes straight to voice mail. You give her some space and follow up a week later, but still no response. At this point, you got the clear message that she’s lost interest and you fucked up somewhere on the first date.
It takes practice and time to develop that killer instinct of knowing when to make a move and advanced things forward both intimately and sexually with a girl who you’re vibing well with. Luckily for you, your learning curve hopefully won’t be as rough and awkward as mine was when I had to go through the process of fucking up tons of dates (not intentionally) with girls I’ve dated and gone out with in the past.
So the big question is, when should you make a move? What signals should you look for to take it to the next step?
As a general rule of thumb, every girl is different, with different experiences, emotional baggage, and comfort thresholds. Always remember that the two things you need are attraction and comfort. If she’s already agreed to the date and has met up with you, that’s only half the battle. At that point, it’s your job to develop trust by making her feel comfortable with you, and create more attraction with some flirting and humor.
If you wait too long, she’ll lose interest or assume you’re not attracted to her, which makes her feel rejected. I will tell you from observation, raw experience, and dealing with insecurities from both men and women, that women like men aren’t good at accepting or dealing with the pain of rejection.
On the other hand, if you move too quickly without making her feel comfortable with you, you’re also setting yourself up for rejection or giving off the vibe that you’re a horn-dog who doesn’t care to get to know her or her reservations.
There’s no perfect time, there will always be an inherent risk involved, and it’ll be a little awkward in the beginning, but remember a smooth sailor didn’t get good by sailing smooth seas. As a general rule of thumb, I recommend that you read some books on body language and learn how to react to her or readjust whenever she feels uncomfortable.
To help you out with this process, here are 5 signals to look out for when she wants you to make a move. As a man, it’s your job to take the lead, so own it!
1. She looks at your lips.
You’re talking to her intimately at this point, and there’s a lot of pausing in your conversations. You notice her eyes drift down for a moment from your eyes to the lower part of your face. This is a subtle signal that she probably wants you to kiss her.
Remember to break her space, pause, mirror her, look at her eyes, then her lips, and her eyes again for a moment. and move in for the kiss. You can get a gauge of this if she’s already holding your hand, whether you’re leading her to the bar, to the next venue, or to sit down. If she squeezes your hand back after you squeeze it (don’t crush her hand), in our dating classes we call this movement “pulsing.”
2. She’s mirroring your touch and touching you a lot.
If you still don’t feel comfortable with touch, please refer to our article on how to touch a girl.
3. She holds eye contact with you for a long time and doesn’t break rapport.
At this point, you can sense the sexual tension between the two of you in the air. You’re talking, telling her a story, bantering back and forth with her, and… The point is, you realize that she hasn’t broken eye contact with you and is mirroring both your body language and movements.
What do you do? Don’t break eye contact or give into your fears and insecurities. Maintain that eye contact to build the sexual tension between the two of you. If she’s not breaking away, she’s comfortable with you, so you don’t have to worry about being creepy or awkward. If this has happened multiple times during your date with her, at this point I really hope you go in for the kiss.
4. You break in and out of her personal space.
This doesn’t have to be as intense as Don Draper giving you that seductive stare, but if you’re breaking close to her personal space around her face and she’s comfortable with it, she’s either just naturally comfortable with this and has no personal boundaries, or she’s really interested in you (assume the latter until proven otherwise).
As human beings, we don’t just let anyone get close to us right away or get into our personal space. When you do, you’re comfortable with that person and want them in your life. The same goes for women.
One of the things we teach in our programs is to break in and out of her personal space to build sexual tension. One of the ways to do this is to lean in nice and close but slowly. If she doesn’t readjust to break space, you’re money. Pull back if she gets tense, and then rinse and repeat periodically throughout your date until she’s comfortable with you in her personal space.
5. You’re both in a private location alone.
If you got to this point and you’re still not moving it forward or kissing her, I really ought to drive over, interrupt the intimacy, and smack you if you hadn’t made a move yet. It’s common sense at this point. If you’re back at her place or yours, it’s pretty damn clear that she’s interested in you. Most girls wouldn’t allow this situation to happen if they hadn’t felt a sense of both attraction and comfort with a guy.
Not every girl will be down to have sex right away, but at the very least, she wants to make out with you. So go ahead and pull the trigger and move things forward. Don’t make her doubt that you’re interested in her or doubt yourself. It’s winning time, and she’s rooting for you just as I’m rooting for you too!
‘Til Next Time,
-Rob
Rob Virges
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
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