Rob VirgesStudent: “Hey Rob, I just don’t think I can approach that girl over there.”
Rob: “Why not?”
Student: “Well… I’m just too (insert excuse here)…”
At one point or another, I always get a question from a client that has to do with dating a girl or pursuing a girl who’s out of their league. To put it in layman’s terms, “Do looks matter and how can I go for a girl who’s out of my league?”
As you already know, I’m not one to sugar coat things. While in some cases looks may matter, on an evolutionary level, women don’t value physical attraction as much as men do.
One thing I’ve learned after being on the job for a few years and being in the trenches with my students, I can tell you to a certain extent looks and physical attraction matter. But, here’s the catch. There are 4 billion people in the world today, half of whom are women, which means there are all different types, different variations, different standards, different experiences, etc.
The point I’m trying to make here is that what you assume a girl finds attractive might actually not be attractive to her. Think about all the beautiful women that roam the street with their boyfriends. While some may have a similar level of physical attraction to the girl that they are with, there are some girls who are with guys that make you question and wonder what the hell you are doing wrong.
Looks can help with attraction and increase your odds in the dating scene, but it’s not the endgame. To clearly illustrate a few of these examples, I’ve had clients who were Men’s Health cover models, fitness models, and personal or athletic trainers come in to take our classes.
My first instinct was, “Why are these guys coming in for coaching? They’re well groomed, physically attractive, healthy, and fit…” It wasn’t until I dug a little deeper and after a few sessions out at the bars that I realized why they weren’t able to leverage the physical advantages they already had. On the other hand, my clients who’d be typed as your stereotypical zeros were complete heroes in making the most out of what we taught them.
Now, we can’t change our height. If that were possible, I’d trade being 5’9″ for 6’3″ in a heartbeat. It would make things a little easier, since on average women are naturally attracted to taller men. But always remember that you can improve your lot in life and dating. Whether you’re short, skinny, fat, balding, or suffer from some kind of disability, there’s always a way.
With that, I’m going to leave you with some constructive tips to start going for the women that you deem are out of your league.
1. Mindset is everything.
In this exercise, I encourage you to take a brutally honest assessment of yourself. Look in the mirror and create a list with your name at the top of it. List your strengths on one side and your weaknesses on the other. It’s going to hurt a little bit, but you need to be honest first and foremost. Besides character strengths and flaws, include social skills if you have anything you want to specifically work on, and whatever else you think should be added.
The next step is to turn those things into your goals. You’re going to make an active effort to improve upon your weaknesses, push yourself, and work with a growth mindset. I once watched an interview of Michael Jordan’s strength and conditioning coach, and he perfectly quoted MJ’s mindset towards practice. He knew what his strengths and weaknesses were in his game. MJ would say, “I’m going to turn my weaknesses into my strengths.”
In his 13-year career with the Chicago Bulls, every season there was a new dimension added into his game, and it got to a point where he was virtually flawless with his execution. The point I’m trying to drive home here is to accept what you cannot change about yourself, but actively work on what you can improve. It’s going to be a long process, but that’s essential if you want to succeed with women, your career, your passions, and life overall.
2. Start taking better care of yourself.
We can’t change our ethnicity, cultural background, height, our natural appearances, unless you do some form of cosmetic or plastic surgery (that’s a whole other topic for another day). My point is, work with what you have right now. You don’t have to look like a Men’s Health cover model, but being healthy and in shape will do you a lot of wonders and help you in the long run.
Emotions are contagious, so if you feel good about yourself, people will feel the same way. Get fit, hire a personal trainer, get your nutrition in order, and don’t skimp on your sleep.
Start dressing better. Fashion is different for every guy, so if you don’t know where to start, get on YouTube or GQ and figure out what’s going to work for you and what women respond well to. It took me a while to find a unique style that worked for me, but always keep in mind, fit is king. It doesn’t matter if you’re fat or in shape, dressing well will make a big difference.
Lastly, groom yourself. I don’t have to constantly keep repeating this, but please pluck your nose hairs out, shave your mono-brow, get a shorter haircut if you’re balding or get a hair transplant if you can afford it, and trim your beard to something manageable like David Beckham’s beard. I talk about this a lot because the way you package yourself will make all the difference in your results with women.
Women spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to attract the right mate. I’m not expecting you to do the same, but understand that it’s important to make an active effort and package yourself better. It’ll increase your dating prospects and make the process a lot easier, especially if you have natural disadvantages in the looks department.
3. Build your value.
I often like to use the analogy of viewing yourself as real estate. What I mean by this is to start building your life up and start investing in yourself. Women are attracted to value. Now, value can mean many different things, whether it’s financial value, social value, or emotional value. The most important thing is to start pursing your interests or what you’re passionate about deep down inside.
Fill your schedule up with random hobbies and things you’ve always had interest in, read a lot of books on anything that piques your interest, start hanging around better people who are equally as motivated and driven as you are, start building your career up if you’re not happy with where you are, secure your finances, get social and build your networks up, and even though I already talked about it, keep up your health regimen.
My point is, build your life up as much as possible, because you don’t have to be whatever you’ve always believed about yourself. High School and college are over, and you can be whoever the hell you want to be. Nothing is more attractive to a woman then a man who has ambition and passions in life.
You’ll always have something interesting to talk about or do, and naturally over time, given that you’ve taken our previous advice to heart, start to attract the women you once deemed out of your league.
Stop focusing on your neighbor’s lot in life and start focusing on your own lot. Trim the hedges, plant some flowers, cut the grass, hose the dirt off your sidings, and in no time all the neighbors on your block will want to come over, hang out, and maybe emulate whatever it is you’re doing.
4. Realize she’s human too.
Before I ever got good with women or started coaching, somewhere deep inside, I never believed in leagues or tiers, and felt that anyone was capable if they truly set their mind to it. Remember that every girl you see, no matter how pretty they are, is human just like you. She eats, poops, has baggage, flaws, and obligations just like you. Don’t put her on a pedestal and don’t be intimidated by her accomplishments or level of attractiveness.
It’s incredibly difficult to put this into practice, but I challenge you to find something that grounds you every time you fall into the thought process of her being better, that you’re not good enough, or that she’s out of your league because of x,y, and z. I still run into this every now and then where a girl will catch me by surprise. But I just have to remind myself that she’s human too, and that I wouldn’t treat her any differently than my friends and family.
If you’re still intimidated, then I recommend that you start small. Just get comfortable being around women. It doesn’t matter if you’re not attracted to them; the point is to systematically desensitize yourself to every single type of girl you come across until you get to the point where you’re comfortable with any of them.
In a nutshell, there really aren’t any secrets to dating within your league or outside of your league, anyone is capable. 90% of it is mental, and it’s important to cultivate your inner self-confidence along with your outer self-confidence. Always keep working on yourself, and forget about whatever the other guy is doing or automatically disqualifying yourself because of what you perceive as a disadvantage.
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
-Rob
Rob Virges
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
Welcome to Craft of Charisma, The #1 company for teaching people to authentically connect, love, and nurture healthy relationships that can last a lifetime.
Let us know how we can help you!
Book phone coaching session with Rob V.