Rob Virges“How do I flirt with a girl over text?”
“I love having a structure to refer to, but I don’t want to come off as robotic and fake when I’m texting her.”
In part 1 of this two-part series on how to flirt with a girl over text, I laid out the foundations on how to text a girl and what to do in each unique situation that may come up. Most of all, I provided you a comprehensive mental model to utilize when engaging and setting up a date with a girl you’re attracted to through text, which is one of the most common hurdles that derails men’s chances of going out with the girl of their dreams.
If you haven’t had a chance, please take your time to study “How to Flirt With a Girl Over Text: Part 1” and digest it before moving on to this article. But, if you’ve already applied some of the prior concepts I went over in part I and you want to add a little more spice to your conversations, please read on.
Texting can be a super fun way to stay in contact with a girl and continue connecting and generating interest with her prior to a date, or even a conversation. It’s essentially a bridge from your first interaction with her to your eventual first date with her, if you’ve played your cards right.
I understand it can be a bit overwhelming, especially for guys who’ve managed to overcome the hurdle of approaching her and getting her phone number, only to be plagued by the anxiety of not knowing what to say or how to keep the lighthearted fun and sexual tension. I’ve been down that road myself, and I used to question everything and blame factors out of my control.
Texting 101
As I mentioned earlier, if you want a detailed and more comprehensive understanding of these concepts with examples please refer back to Part I of “How to Flirt with a Girl Over Text.”
But if you already did, here’s a brief recap on how to text a girl…
The primary purpose of texting a girl boils down to logistics. It’s all about the where, when, and what in terms of setting up a date with her. You can’t have or get to logistics until you’ve created an emotional connection first
- Step 1: First interaction
- Create an emotional connection, start making plans, and exchange contact information.
- Step 2: After getting the number
- Continue talking with her, start discussing tentative plans.
- Step 3: First text
- Re-initiated contact, build trust, mention meeting up.
- Step 4: First call (optional)
- Talk about meeting up, and make plans more concrete by giving options.
- Step 5: Confirmation
- Confirm your plans the day of or the night before.
Always attempt to move the relationship into a moment in the future.
Remember, if one girl doesn’t respond, don’t take it personally and don’t pick yourself apart. If women aren’t responding to you consistently, then it’s almost always because of one of these two reasons:
- You’re not building a strong enough emotional connection with the women that you’re meeting (attraction, comfort, or sexual tension) in person.
- You’re not focusing enough on making plans, meeting up again, and leading the women you meet through this process.
In a nutshell, that is texting 101. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s jump into some new concepts and mindsets to incorporate into your approach to texting that’ll give you the edge in every single one of your future interactions. Flirting isn’t a complicated concept, especially if you’ve managed to arouse a strong emotional reaction such as making her laugh during your first interaction.
Generate Curiosity
You know that generic and stereotypical dating advice you usually get from your buddies, maybe your dad, or even your female friends that you “shouldn’t be so easy” or “play a little hard to get”? Like you, I’ve been down that road too, and it used to make me cringe as much as when a few of my female friends would say to “just be nice,” without providing a logical explanation as to how or why I should just do XYZ, even though I knew it wasn’t working.
There is a little truth to the whole idea of generating intrigue and curiosity. The most charismatic people are usually the best listeners and aren’t completely open books. They put the spotlight on the other person, and get them to invest in talking about themselves, their passions, and all the other little intimate and mundane details about their lives.
There are a lot of psychological studies that back this up, indicating that the pleasure centers of your brain are activated when you talk about yourself. That’s why if you’re a good listener, resist the urge to talk about yourself, and shine the spotlight on the girl or any person you’re interacting with, you’re more likely to be associated with positive feelings and emotions.
The main takeaway here is to get her to invest more in you and the interaction with you, both in your first meeting and through texting. So what are some examples of that? A lot of men try to generate intrigue or re-initiate contact through text by being blatant about some crazy thing that happened to them during their day. Let’s say you found $500 on the ground and you decide that you want to text her about it as a clever ice breaker.
For example:
- Guy #1 (Don’t): “OMG Natalie, the craziest thing just happened to me today, I was on my way to work and found $500 on the ground by a dumpster!”
- Guy #2 (Do): “Strange day so far, finding stacks of cash in the most random places today. How’s your day going so far Natalie, lucky as mine?
So what’s wrong with Guy #1’s text? He did a lot of things right, it was interesting and didn’t come off as needy. But what he failed at compared to Guy 2 was that he was too overt in his approach, taking away the fun, surprise, and curiosity about how he found the money.
Flirting is all about emotions, and this didn’t make sense to me when I first started learning how to meet and date women. I used to think that being blunt, straightforward, and overt were the most effective and masculine ways to communicate with women. In reality, the only thing it did was push them away or make them feel no excitement when I tried to connect with them.
So what exactly did Guy #2 do right? He didn’t toss all his cards out on the table. He structured the same text in a way that generates curiosity. First, he makes it clear that something unusual has happened: he’s found money in a strange place. But he doesn’t say where.
The girl getting this text is going to think to herself, “Hmm, I wonder where and how much?” and will most likely ask him about it. This engages her curiosity and makes her want to text back and find out more.
Furthermore, Guy #2 made the message personal, by asking her how her day is going and including her name. He also makes her think about him again by asking her if her day is as lucky as his. If you’ve noticed this subtle progression, what Guy #2 is doing is trying to get her to invest into the interaction. This is essentially your primary objective when you’re flirting with her, whether it’s in person or through text.
Keep it Lighthearted and Fun
I know the stuff I’ve been talking about so far might seem like a lot to remember. When I’m coaching my clients and we get to the part where they’re trying to learn how to flirt with a girl in person, through texting, and online dating, they lose sight of the fact that flirting with her is supposed to be fun and silly.
There’s always a time and place to talk about your hopes, dreams, and ideologies with a woman you’re interested in. But a text message is not that place. Most of us lead such hectic lives with a million different worries running through our heads, that the last thing we want to do is have to put a lot of time and effort into replying to a text message.
An attractive girl’s phone is usually bombarded with texts from guys vying for her attention throughout the day. These texts will often range from boring to downright coma-inducing. Here are a few examples of some funny banter that you can utilize to get the ball rolling:
- “Hey Natalie, you inspired me to try Chipotle for the first time. It was out of this world, and I don’t even believe in aliens.”
- “Hey Natalie, my hips are still sore from all that dancing last night, you gotta go easy on me next time!”
- “Hey Natalie, I almost had a nervous breakdown today. I’m overwhelmed with the self-consciousness over my abundance of my black V-neck shirts.”
Funny banter like the examples listed above is great to do the day after you meet her. The best way to utilize this is to recall something you talked about with her on your first interaction and where you met.
“Us” Mentality
When you’re interacting with a girl you’re attracted to, whether that be in person or when you’re texting her, you want to avoid making “you” and “I” statements. Start getting into the habit of using words like “us” and “we” to mentally prime her to think about and see both of you as one unit.
The more “us” and “we” statements you use, the more things you talk about the two of you doing together, and the more you paint situations where the two of you are doing something together, the more likely you are to create the feeling of “us as a couple” in her subconscious mind.
If she hears it enough from you, she’ll believe it herself, as long as it’s an idea she accepts and welcomes (no amount of “us” statements in the world will make a girl feel close to a guy she doesn’t like at some level). Another great way of doing this is using “us vs. the world,” a sound way of making her feel like it’s the two of you in something together.
Here are a few examples of the “Us” Mentality:
- “Damn Natalie, we should probably change our names to Steph Curry and Klay Thompson, we totally destroyed everyone at that beer pong tournament last night, our shots would just not stop sinking.”
- “We totally killed it during karaoke night last night Nat, they got nothing on our freestyling abilities, both Biggie & Tupac would be proud.”
You can utilize the “Us” Mentality in any context and anytime you interact with her. It elicits emotions of humor and lightheartedness, and gets her subconsciously thinking about being with you or entertaining the idea of you and her as a couple, which essentially makes her feel closer to you.
Build Some Sexual Tension
Making a girl feel naughty around you is exciting and liberating. Most women, no matter how they act or what they tell you, at some point feel constrained and judged by society and the men and women in their lives. When they meet a guy who can joke around with them about being naughty and not get judgmental or feel judged, it’s refreshing, and it lets them relax around you and see you as a man they can become intimate with.
For example:
- “I just found this bottle of cabernet in my liquor cabinet and no one to share it with. Want to help me finish it? But…only if you promise to behave.”
This is an example of a future projection and creating a scenario in her head. Drinking wine together, something people typically do prior to sex, then goes on to reinforce that idea by telling her to behave. The guy here is placing the girl into the chasing position as well, by implying that she’s the one who will need to behave.
Women find this kind of teasing witty and fun, since it’s typically the men who are chasing, and they also find it exciting to have the tables turned for once. When you say things like this, it triggers little switches in women’s subconscious mind that says, “He’s hard to get. And I must be chasing after him because he says I am, which means I must like him a lot.”
Another thing to note here, especially for text message beginners, is the use of punctuation. The “…” implies a thought that’s kind of trailed off and has been left unfinished, as if there is more to say. Had the text ended with a simple period, it would be a more abrupt ending and have an entirely different context and meaning to it.
I want you to understand that flirting is not a linear and step-by-step progression like I described in part I of “How to Flirt with a Girl Over Text.” To make it easier, here’s a bullet point summary of the concepts we just went over. Think of these concepts as tools you can add to your dating toolbox. Because life is so unpredictable and full of surprises, sometimes you’re going to have to get creative and improvise and adapt to the situation.
In a nutshell, when you’re flirting with a girl over text you want to:
- Generate curiosity
- Keep it lighthearted and fun
- Use the “Us Mentality”
- Build some sexual tension
‘Til next time,
-Rob
Rob Virges
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
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