Rob Virges“Hey Rob, oftentimes I get into a conversation with a girl and it usually goes smoothly in the beginning, then out of nowhere, it gets stale, it stalls, and she always ends up leaving to go back to her friends or to another guy. What should I do to never lose her interest?”
I got this question a few weeks ago from one of my students in our current Dating Mastery Class cycle for this spring. A lot of men often fall victim to an interaction going stale or just simply losing a girl’s interest halfway through after the initial approach. Even if they do manage to make it through the first interaction and get her phone number, they usually fall short of securing a date.
Why does this scenario happen? I always say to everyone starting out in the dating scene that it’s an iterative process. There are variables that we can’t always control and influence. Maybe she’s in a committed relationship, or she could’ve just come back into the singles scene recently and feels guilty about something. In other cases, she may have had a bad day or has something going on in her personal life and isn’t in the mood for dating.
First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up, and keep learning and improving. But for the things you can control such as your non-verbals, your intentions, your approach, and other tactical nuances, then you’ve got no excuses if you didn’t fully do your end of the tango.
Back when I first started learning this stuff, like a lot of guys new to the dating scene, I used to think that once you approached a girl, directly laid out your intentions, and got her phone number, that’s all there was to it. In reality, I had managed to rack up thousands of numbers in the process, but for some reason never managed to secure a date.
As frustrating as it was, no matter what type of direct, macho, sometimes gimmicky, and balls-to-the wall type of approaches that I did, I would never ever manage to transition any of it into a date or anything more. I felt burnt out, frustrated, and disillusioned as to why I was never really getting anywhere with any of the women I managed to approach.
So I went back to the drawing board, cleaned up my fundamentals, drilled, cut out what didn’t work, recorded myself both on audio and video, and made a lot of very critical yet constructive deductions and observations on what I needed to fix, cut out, and clean up.
One of the things that I never did and was a major game changer for me, my coaching philosophy, and getting my students out of their ruts, was understanding the concept and getting a girl to invest in you. As that old saying goes, “the more invested we are in something, the more we want it.” It’s also that phenomenon of wanting what we perceive is difficult or unattainable.
Now don’t take this advice as becoming a complete douchebag, making yourself completely inaccessible, and playing the hard-to-get card. As I always say to my students, “too much or too little of anything is bad, find the sweet spot.”
How Emotional Investment Works
For a lot of my students and people new to dating, the common adage I always see is their inclination to do as much as possible for a woman they’re attracted to. Sometimes, in rare cases and with large egos, it’s usually the polar opposite and they don’t do anything at all for a woman. But to keep it simple for now, let’s just assume you’re the type of guy who is used to doing everything for a woman you’re attracted to.
While there’s nothing wrong with being a gentleman or showing some form of chivalry, too much of it is a major killer when you’re trying to build attraction for a girl you just met or recently started to put the moves on. What doing too much while expecting nothing in return will do is build too much comfort with her and make you easily attainable, a doormat in her eyes, and give you an all expenses paid trip to the friend zone.
When I first learned how investment worked, like you, my natural instinct was to do as much as possible for any girl I was attracted to because of my cultural upbringing and how I was socially conditioned. I’d always end up being the platonic friend or the nice guy.
But after getting introduced to the dating game, a few years of trial and error, getting into a few relationships with some crazy experiences, and working with the best in the business, I later learned that it was her investment in you that counts, not the other way around.
In social psychology 101, one of the concepts under the reciprocity principle states that we as human beings naturally like people more after doing something for them. Whether its a big or small request, we naturally like them more or want to keep them in our sphere of influence.
Logically it makes no sense, but if you really think about it, we’re emotional creatures. Whether it’s a small token or a large thing, we inherently like doing things for other people. It activates the pleasure centers of our brains and gets us to positively associate those emotions with that specific person, thing, or whatever it may be.
A lot of men invest more, thinking a girl will reciprocate their affections by either sexually or emotionally advancing your relationship from being platonic friends to being sexually involved with each other. This happens on all levels. From doing favors for her whenever its incredibly inconvenient, buying her love from the stereotypical flowers and chocolates, jewelry, designer wear, dinner, lunch, or getting drinks for her at the bar even if she didn’t ask.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve bought plenty of girls drinks at the bar, whether I was just meeting them or even on a date. However, I only do it once I’ve finally gotten her to emotionally invest in me, or if she’s genuinely a good and cool person. On dates it usually works as a give and take, where I pay for one round and she pays for the next as we get to know each other.
Keep It Simple Stupid
Don’t over-analyze or go too overboard with this by doing the extreme complete polar opposite and not doing anything. As your coach, I’m not for being a complete asshole or douchebag just because I told you to do less for her. Remember with anything in life, it’s a give and take process.
The way you can practically apply this concept is to remember you have to give “some” amount of investment before you develop any kind of relationship with her past the friend zone. This form of investment is what you do to give her just enough to make her feel comfortable, lower her guard, and make her feel safe in emotionally investing with you.
When you look at the bigger picture, it’s not your investment in her, but rather her investment in you that causes her to feel increasing amounts of attraction.
- The more invested you are in her, THE MORE ATTRACTED TO HER YOU WILL BE!
- The more invested she is in you, THE MORE ATTRACTED SHE WILL BE TO YOU!
Tactically, How Do You Do This?
Start small and think of moving her up a ladder. I’m not a naturally detail-oriented person so this never came easy to me, but once I started actively thinking about attraction, comfort, and seduction in this manner, on a macro level it started to bring me better and more efficient results.
Gaining compliance early on in your first interaction with her is very important. Throughout the course of your interaction, you want to start off with small and mundane requests after the initial introduction and start establishing some form of basic social comfort with her.
Start getting her to invest by asking her a balance of questions ranging from her passions, desires, hobbies, and her life. Have a good balance of basic interview mode questions and open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. If you want to get a better and more comprehensive understanding of how to do this, refer to our article on questions to ask a girl.
Once the conversation has started to progress, don’t forget to touch her. You’re testing to see if she’ll touch you back after you’ve been interacting with her for a little while. For more guidance on how to navigate touch, please refer to part one and part two of our series on touch.
You also need to start planting seeds and pull her into your world in order to secure a date. Check out our articles on flirting over text and flirting in person for tons of practical tips and strategies on how to successfully flirt, banter, and create sexual tension with her.
Gaining Compliance
Let me paint a scenario for you. You’re relaxing at the bar, talking to a girl you’ve just met, and you’re having a casual conversation where she’s already starting to feel comfortable with you. You start with a small request such as asking her to tell you a little more about herself, so you get her to invest in interacting with you.
At this stage of the interaction, a lot of men make the mistake of talking too much about themselves and not actively listening. Listen, pay attention, and validate her after she tells you a little bit about herself: “Cool, I love that about you, I love your passionate vibe, your adventurous nature, etc.” And make sure you high-five her!
From there, test to see if she’ll move a few inches forward. You can ask her to move to the side because it’s crowded, you can’t hear her, or something else (get creative). Once you get her to move a few inches and she’s comfortable with you and her friends are comfortable with you and think you’re cool, then ask her to move with you to the bar to grab a drink.
Once you get a drink at the bar, ask her to move with you to the lounge area. Continue talking with her, make her feel comfortable, start prolonging your touch, and break in and out of her space to create more sexual tension. If this sounds confusing, refer to our article on how to move a girl.
Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
-Rob
Rob Virges
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
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