How to Move On: Part 2 - The Pain of Breakups and Rejection

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about moving on and letting go of a girl you’ve either just recently broken up with, have been pursuing but she doesn’t feel the same way about you, or has in some way become an unfulfilled flame due to circumstances that are completely out of your control.

This post is going to be a little different from part one in the sense that it’s mostly a conceptual lesson on what biologically happens to your body and mind after you go through a breakup or some form of rejection.

Recently, I’ve been reading the New York Times best seller Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. If you’ve got some time, I highly recommend picking it up. The book will help you constructively understand why dating in this era is so different from previous generations, and it provides an educational, highly entertaining, and critical analysis on the evolution of dating and mating.

So why exactly does heartbreak and rejection hurt so much? Aziz Ansari collaborated with a biological anthropologist by the name of Dr. Helen Fisher, who explains, “Romantic love has a constellation of personality traits and characteristics, among them is a trait called separation anxiety. When you’re separated from a person, you get anxious. You want them to text, you want them to call, you want them to write, you want them to tell you, ‘I love you.'”

She decided to put people who’ve been in love and rejected under a brain scanner to study their brain activity. What she found was that brain regions associated with profound addiction and addictive behavior would be activated. Three parts of the brain were activated: those associated with craving and addiction along with the part of the brain that becomes active when you take cocaine and when you’re going through withdrawals. Last but not least, she found activity in the part of the brain linked with physical pain and the anxiety that goes along with it.

Dr. Fisher also goes on to mention the concept of “Frustration Attraction,” in which you don’t stop loving someone even after they’ve rejected or dumped you. This is the phenomenon where you want something more when you perceive that you can’t have it. When you can’t get what you want, you just try harder and harder to pursue that person even after they’ve broken up with you, both consciously and unconsciously.

In a nutshell, this can explain why it’s so hard to get over a person even after they’ve dumped you or rejected you if you were emotionally invested in them to begin with. For more on this topic, you can check out this article on how heartbreak affects the brain and body.

This article isn’t meant to scare you or prevent you from taking action in improving your dating and love life. The main purpose is to provide a conceptual understanding to go along with the advice I provided in part one of this series.

Knowledge is power, and knowing these things in advance could give you the ability to understand and cope with the difficult emotions that arise when breaking up with someone who you were deeply in love with, coming out of a long-term relationship, or experiencing an unfulfilled romance. Use this knowledge in conjunction with the tips I provided in part one if you’re getting stuck. Knowledge is nothing without active application.

‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!

-Rob