Rob Virges“Be long-term greedy, the harder you work the luckier you get.” – Chris Haroun
Happy Monday! Today’s topic is going to be a little different, in that I’m not going to be talking about the strategic and tactical aspects of courting a girl that you’re attracted to. Instead, we’re going to talk about something that a lot of men struggle with when it comes to improving themselves.
In the most recent Dating Mastery Class that we had this past Friday, we asked each of our students questions such as “Where are you getting stuck?” and “How did your week go?”
Other than the typical “Busy week at work, busy week at school, busy week at…” the most common theme that their responses all had in common was the struggle of staying motivated and even just taking the initiative and actively practicing the skills we had drilled with them in class the previous week.
In all of our live classes here at Craft of Charisma, besides teaching dating theory and having them practically apply it in real-life situations, we give our clients a weekly assignment to sharpen their skills.
I’m not going to get into the details of what the homework was, but to make a long story short, when I asked them if they did their homework, the guys kept giving me similar variations of excuses. The most common was “Rob, when we’re out with you, we’re nervous but we’re motivated to start approaching women and complete the task you had given us for the night. But when we’re on our own, we just don’t have that motivation to go out and do it.”
I completely understand that we all have circumstances and things that pop up in our day-to-day lives that make it difficult to be able to do the things that we’re supposed to be doing. But at the heart of it all, if you truly want something more for yourself in life, you have to put in the discipline and hard work to have that all come into fruition.
It’s not guaranteed that you’re going to be successful, but as I’ve learned both being an active practitioner of our philosophy and coaching men in the art of finding love, luck just seems to fall into place the more you put into yourself and honing your craft.
If you’re reading this article and thinking I’m going to give you a magic pill or a secret, then please go the top right corner of this page and hit that X. I hate to break it to you, but there is no magic pill. Motivation, like self-confidence, is a muscle, and you have to nurture every single fiber of that muscle to truly build yourself up to be the best version of yourself.
I’ve read tons of books on self-help and motivation, and studied Psychology when I was an undergraduate at Rutgers. If there’s one commonality among all these things, besides the tactics and “insert motivational quote here” with a fancy picture of a sunset in the background, I’ve learned that while it’s easy to set a big goal and be enthusiastic about it in the beginning, the real test comes when you’re a quarter of the way there and it seems as if there are no returns on your time and effort invested.
As cliche as it sounds, it’s true. If you don’t believe me, look at your local gym in the first week of January and you’ll notice how packed it is. Fast forward a few weeks later to the first week of February, and you’ll see the gym is as empty as a ghost town. It’s only filled with the old regulars, the meatheads pumping iron, and fitness enthusiasts like myself for example. Where did all those people go?
A lot of people are quick to judge and probably say things along the lines of “Oh, they were too overweight and just gave up and accepted their fatness” or “They were just too lazy.” In some instances that might be true, but its usually other variables that came into play.
A lack of support system that would hold them accountable to those goals such as positive friends, family, and trainers, not being specific about their goals and setting a timeline, and just not taking the proper preparation to set themselves for success, such as cleaning out the kitchen pantry, cutting out people and enablers who don’t want them to change and grow, and just giving into the stigma or shame of whatever it is that they hate about themselves.
It’s scary once you’ve decided to commit yourself to making an improvement or changing something that’s been making you unhappy. I can relate to my students because I’ve gone down their road before facing everything from self-doubt, fear, being judged, and just settling for the lot that life has given me. But as I say to my students all the time, “a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
Staying motivated is hard, especially when you’re faced with so much resistance and obstacles along your way. It’s really easy to just throw in the towel and give up after falling down and failing a bunch of times.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve failed throughout my life, from being a mediocre student in school, to never making any of my high school varsity teams, getting rejected by multiple girls and even a friend to go to senior prom, and failing to get admitted into a four year university because of my mediocre grades. That’s just a handful of the failures I’ve accrued in the 24 years I’ve been alive.
I’ll tell you one thing though, I wear every single failure in my life as a badge of pride, and that’s one of the hardest things that a lot of people are not willing to own up to. My students had enough motivation to sign up for our programs, admit they have a problem, and show up every Friday night for 5-6 hours to learn, practice, fail, iterate, and repeat the process of learning how to meet and connect with women.
While it’s painful and hard to face those fears every week and even take extra time to practice, the most important part is never losing sight of the goal. It’s hard to see the peak, but as I always say, think about the long-game.
We live in a society where everything is convenient and provides quick fixes. I’m not saying that it’s bad; it’s a wonderful thing that technology has evolved so much to make life easier for all of us. But is has come with a price. It fostered a society of cheap thrills, easy wins, no hurt feelings, magic pills, and quick fixes.
Since it’s my job to tap into your deepest self and bring the best out of you, I’m going to leave you with two practical tips that you can apply to accomplish whatever big dream or goal you’ve set yourself up to, whether it’s building and amassing a large fortune, building a business that delivers value to society, making the relationships with your loved ones better and stronger, or most of all connecting and finding love.
Tip #1: Break Down Your Biggest Goals Into Small Chunks
Think big and choose your most ambitious goal. Pick up a dry erase board, write whatever that one goal is, and then break it down into chunks, set a deadline for each chunk, and describe how you will go about doing it.
Every single day, you will look at that board that has your biggest goal written on it and you will ask yourself if you are one step closer to achieving that goal. You’re free to add on little micro goals next to that biggest goal, but the catch is it has to be related to your biggest goal in some way.
Here’s an example of a big goal you could have for your love life, along with the individual smaller steps you’ll need to take to accomplish your big goal.
Goal: I will end my loneliness, learn how to get really good with meeting, attracting, and connecting with women, find the best one for me, and move into a long-term relationship with her.
- Hire a personal trainer, clean up my diet, and lose 30 pounds.
- Build a new and fashionable wardrobe.
- Cut off all the toxic people in my life and start finding new, growth oriented, and supportive friends.
- Move out of my mom’s basement and find a nice apartment.
- Start pursuing new hobbies like dancing and stand-up comedy.
- Read 100 books before the end of this year and expand my intelligence.
- Find a way to make a living from my passion for writing and quit my current job that’s been sucking the life out of me.
Tip #2: Channel Negativity into Action and Productivity
When the going gets rough, you feel pessimistic, and you think about giving up, find your muse and channel all that negative energy into being proactive and productive.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post titled “How to Take Risks and Have No Regrets.” It was about a chance encounter that turned into a date and blossomed into a mini adventure of infatuation, feeling connected, circumstantial sadness, and finding inspiration in not getting what I wanted, but getting exactly what I needed.
To make a long story short, I recently watched a documentary about retired LA Lakers shooting guard, the Black Mamba, Kobe Bryant. I highly recommend watching it if you’re feeling lost or just can’t find the right fuel needed to channel into your motivation. Kobe talked about finding motivation in not only in his past successes but tapping into his darkest emotions from anger, hatred, frustration, and sadness, and using it as a weapon, as a form of offense.
As Kobe said, “So many people are afraid to tap into that dark energy but its such a powerful thing, once they own that part of themselves, then the sky is the limit.” To paraphrase it, there is power to be found in the drawbacks, setbacks, and failures that you face on your journey towards achieving something great. It has the ability to drive and propel you to the top if you make the conscious and active decision to take those feelings and to use it for something productive.
It’s been two and a half weeks since that date, and I’ve never felt so much inspiration and motivation to continue to keep working towards and crushing my life goals and constantly improving myself. Even though me and her vibed well and connected, we couldn’t act on our attraction towards each other due to the circumstances and bad timing.
As I mentioned that article, she was seeing somebody and wanted to be respectful and loyal to her new boyfriend, despite our attraction towards each other. I wanted to respect her wishes and show her through my actions that I genuinely do care about her enough to not ruin their relationship. Most conventional dating advice, if you’re the type to follow pickup artist theory, is to trick a girl into falling for you, and that you’re less of a man if you don’t act on that attraction despite the circumstances.
I say it’s all bullshit, as there are plenty of fish in the sea. Sometimes it’s best to let go of that fish that you connected with so well and let it be until a better circumstance or time comes along. Just two days ago, after getting myself back into my day-to-day life and letting my emotions for her settle, I prepped myself for a cold hard truth and to ground myself in my current reality.
While it’s easy to know that the girl you’ve developed a deep connection with isn’t available, it’s harder to see it with your own eyes. I went on Snapchat and looked at her story and saw snapshots of her and her current boyfriend at the same beach we spent the day together just two weeks ago. An inexperienced and normal guy would feel jealous, insecure, and start comparing himself to his perceived competition.
But as much as I was prepared knowing about her relationship, deep down inside it still hurt seeing it with my own two eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone through harsher and far worse circumstances than something as small as this, but I will tell you that I used every single one of those experiences to build up my inner self-confidence and improve myself to be the best that I can be.
I don’t envy him, and at the heart of it all I’m genuinely happy for her, but I felt this motivation and energy to immerse myself into the work I’ve procrastinated on, not as an escape but the right fuel to keep building up to my biggest ambitions and dreams in life.
Ultimately, negativity and pain can either destroy you or build you up, that’s all up to you and what you do with that raw power. Use every experience both positive and negative to build your muse cage and stay motivated.
To end this week’s lesson, I’ll leave this tidbit of motivation for you.
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
-Rob
Rob Virges
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
Welcome to Craft of Charisma, The #1 company for teaching people to authentically connect, love, and nurture healthy relationships that can last a lifetime.
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