What If You Don't Kiss on the First Date

David: If you don’t kiss the first time out with a girl, do you move on? See I think we find each other attractive but I was too passive to do anything about it. No problem with gaps in conversation, just chatted the whole night over drinks. Is there a chance number two?

Christopher: I saw your question, and I want to help. Did you try touching her at all?

David: Well not much if I’m honest, which is why I thought laying a kiss at the end would’ve been awkward, apart from me being too shy to do it. The end was a hug and she kissed me on the cheek which I didn’t register until after it happened. Maybe we’re young enough to overlook this blunder and give it a take two, cause we did have a good time in general if I was to say so myself.

Christopher: You’re probably okay. Curious, how old are you two? Why didn’t you touch her more? When was the date? Where did you go, and what did you do on the date? Have you reached out to her since? If so, what happened? Based on your answers, I’ll try to help you out.

David: I’m 19 and she is 17. We’ve known each other since this January, met in the college library, started seeing each other there, I found myself liking her so I figured let’s do something about it. I just said let’s get a drink, she said yeah. She took a train down, I was gonna do the hug hello to start it off on a comfortable note but I didn’t know what part of the train she’d come from and second later there she was beside me. We went to get a drink, big up Wetherspoons UK, her being 17 meant we had to get in before being ID’d at the door so we did when they weren’t looking.

We sit down, each take a corner so it’s not across and far from each other, but it wasn’t too close to touch I’m afraid. I go grab us a drink. She says due to some painkillers and a headache she’ll only have a coke, that’s fine. Non stop relatively good conversation ensues. Some middle aged guy tried to engage with us for whatever reason, we both kinda knowingly teamed up, us vs the awkwardness of it. I go to the toilet, come back and he’s trying to talk to her again lol.

Anyway… more conversation. She has to catch the last train, so we leave, keep talking, it’s a short walk, so stood around for a bit and chatted, hug, see ya at college. I text her it was nice seeing her, she texted back a similar thought. I guess I’ll see her at college and if she likes me we can do something again?

Christopher: Okay, my instincts are that you don’t have to move on quite yet. Honestly, this is sort of cute. Let’s talk about how to touch a girl.

Touch is an important part of human connection, but it’s difficult for a lot of men, especially when they’re around a woman they really like. I’ve been there. There’s this fear that if I try to touch her, she might reject me, and deep down that would be painful. This is where you have to man up and go for it.

The great news is that although you may have missed one opportunity, there’s a good chance that you’ll get another one. That’s the benefit of going to University together. When you get a bit older and you’re out of school, the stakes on a date are a little higher. If a guy doesn’t touch a girl on a date, she might assume that there wasn’t chemistry, and if he met her online or through a dating app, he might not get another shot. Again, since you’ll see her around campus and maybe even have a class or two with her, you’re probably okay.

The most important advice that I can give you is this: If you want to date this girl, you have to touch her, otherwise she’s going to think of you as another male friend. I’m going to explain exactly how to prevent this. Before I do, you’re going to need a quick crash course on touch and relationships.

How we touch the people in our life depends on the type of relationship that we have with that person — which changes over time. There are basically six relationship types:

Strangers
Acquaintances
Friends
Intimate
Romantic
Sexual

Six Relationship Types

Stranger

We generally don’t touch strangers. We feel uncomfortable both when they touch us as well as when we touch them. This feeling actually moves beyond touch. Most people don’t like being in any situation where a stranger is within an arms reach of them, even if they’re not touching them. It’s even worse if the stranger is facing them. On a subconscious level we wonder, “Is this stranger a physical threat to me?” We don’t know what they’re thinking or what they might do.

This is true about everyone we interact with, but with strangers we have no history or emotional bond. This makes their behavior harder to predict. Most people become aware of this uneasy feeling when they’re crammed into an elevator or train car with a bunch of people they’ve never met. If you see a woman that you’re attracted to but don’t know, you’ll have to find a way to meet her if you want the relationship to go anywhere.

Acquaintance

An acquaintance is the relationship type after stranger. It begins after one person introduces themselves to the other. It starts a process of two people getting acquainted (building trust). Usually this involves some initial touch. It’s generally acceptable to touch an acquaintance from the top of the shoulder down to their fingers. This could be a hand shake or just a tap on the shoulder to get their attention if you approach them from the side or behind. The important thing is that two people in this relationship type have begun a physical conversation that builds trust.

Friends

As you get to know an acquaintance better, it’s likely that they’ll become a friend. We touch friends more than we touch acquaintances. We also touch them differently. The next time you’re out, observe the way friends touch each other. They hug, high five, knock fists, place their arms around each other from the side, nudge each other, lean into each other, mess up each other’s hair, wrestle. If two people touch like friends, they’ll feel like friends, until they are friends — assuming one party doesn’t violate the trust that they’ve begun to build.

Intimate

Some friends will become closer to us than others. At Craft of Charisma, we call these Intimate Relationships, and they include the people we’ve know longest, with whom we’ve shared the most experiences and emotions. Whether they’re family or friends, they’re the people we trust most. And because we trust these people, we have a special type of physical conversation with our intimate relationships.

The way that we touch people in out intimate relationships is similar to the way that we touch friends, except for one major difference; the physical contact is often for longer periods of time. Intimate touch tends to be reserved for our family and closest friends. For example, we may high five a friend, but we may hold the hand of an intimate friend. We may hug a friend, but we are more likely to hold our intimate relationships in times of need.

It’s important to understand that intimate touch isn’t sexual. Holding a child is a form of intimate touch. So is sitting on the couch watching a movie while two people’s legs are in prolonged contact. Intimate touch can also include combing another person’s hair or giving them a massage. If accepting intimate touch from another person says anything, it says, “I trust you.”

Romantic

Romantic relationships are the next relationship type. Romantic touch is Intimate touch plus sexual tension, and it includes flirting, kissing, and foreplay.

Probably the easiest way to think about romantic touch is this: If you touch a girl like you’re her boyfriend, and she’s receptive, she’s more likely to feel like you’re her boyfriend, and to become your girlfriend. Obviously you have to build up to this. Sometimes this happens over months, other times it happens in seconds. How quickly depends upon the girl, the circumstances, and the way that you make her feel. These aren’t things that you can control, but they’re certainly things that you can influence.

Continuing on this theme, a woman will know what it’s like to be touched by a man who cares about her. She’ll also know when she feels safe and comfortable. Pay attention to how she’s responding to your touch. Listen with both your eyes and ears. This will be the best indicator of what to do next.

Sexual

Sexual relationships include any relationship between two people who have sex together. This includes one night stands, random hookups, friends with benefits, casual dating, committed dating, and marriage. So for this explanation, sexual touch is sex.

Let’s apply the Touch Cheat Sheet to see where you’re at and what to do next!

The Touch Cheat Sheet

Based upon your description of the way that she’s touching you, at the very least, she thinks about you as a friend. You know this because she’s touching you like a friend. It’s hard to know how she feels beyond that, unless she tells you that she likes you, or one of her friends gives you inside information. Absent these, you’re going to need to trouble-shoot how she feels about you.

I suggest that you keep in contact with her in a casual way until you’re both back at school. Text her, comment on and “like” her social media posts (not every post — be cool), share things with her that she might like. This will keep you on her mind. When you’re talking to her, mention things that the two of you should do together. This will get her thinking more about you.

This next meet up doesn’t have to be a formal date. In fact, it’s probably better if it’s not a formal date. Invite her to study with you, to an event, or to hangout on a blanket on the grass. You don’t need alcohol. If she wants to drink she’ll let you know.

When you meet up, just be normal and be yourself. As you talk, touch her casually. Touch her the same way that you might your other close female friends or a little sister. If she’s receptive after you’ve touched her a few times, try intimate touch. For example, touch her hand, or arm, or it you’re both sitting down, her knee, and let the touch linger for a couple seconds before moving your hand away. Watch how she responds.

Through your actions, you’re asking her non-verbally questions such as:

How do you feel about me?
Am I your friend?
Someone you would date?
Hook up with?
Have you thought about it?
Are you attracted to me?
Do I make you feel comfortable?
Where’s my boundary with you?
Are you into me too?

Notice whether she touches you back, if her touch begins to linger, or if she starts to lean into you. Her reciprocation of your touch is a positive sign.

If you touch her casually, and she pulls back or tenses up, don’t freak out. Just give her a little space and shift back to touching her the way that you would a friend. Make sure that you don’t touch her in the same spot every time. It’s unnatural and as a consequence, it will cause her to feel uncomfortable. A lot of men make this mistake.

Try touching her a couple of different ways. Each time let your touch linger. When I was learning this I use to count the seconds in my head. I might count to three, and the next time I would go for five. If you do this enough times, this process will become instinctive. Each time you touch her, pay close attention to her reactions. If all her reactions are positive, try holding her hand. See if she’s cool with it. Watch for whether a boundary appears, for example if she starts to tense up or pulls back. If a boundary doesn’t appear, she’s probably open to kissing you in that moment.

When you’re ready to kiss her, hold her hand (or use another form of intimate touch) and tell her that she’s sexy or that something about her is sexy. Ideally you’ll do this while facing her and looking into her eyes. This combination will create a moment of strong sexual tension.

If it’s too much for her, or she’s not into it, she’ll stop holding your hand. If you’re alone with her, she may suggest moving to a place where there are other people. If you’re in a private location, she may suggest you both move to a public space. With these suggestions, she’s trying to break the sexual tension. This is an important emotional signal. Whatever she suggests, go with it.

None of these are signs that she won’t kiss you, though they do mean for one reason or another that she’s not emotionally ready yet — so don’t force it. Focus on building a stronger emotional connection with her. This part is easy, so relax. Focus on having fun, getting to know her, and being yourself. When you’re trying to seduce a woman, how she feels when she’s around you is the most important variable — so just be cool. As long as you don’t do anything crazy, you’ll get another shot at kissing her later.

Let’s say that you’re holding her hand and looking into her eyes. Next, you tell her, “You’re very sexy.” If her reaction is either passive or positive — go for the kiss. In most cases, the attempt will go very well. It’s a simple formula:

intimate touch + sexual tension + eye contact = optimal time for kiss attempt

I have one last major piece of advice for you. On your future dates, you need to think more about dating logistics. This includes: where you go on your dates, what you do, seating arrangements, etc. Plan to make things easy for both of you. This date was a great experience for you. It’s important that you celebrate what went well, and that you to learn from what could have gone better, so your future dates are successful. You’re asking questions, so you’re moving in the right direction. I hope my response to your question is helpful.

Good luck! And let me know how things go with this girl : )

-Christopher Luna

If you have dating, love, or sex questions, #AskCofC, and we’ll respond in a future post. Also, share the love and forward this to anyone you know who might benefit from it.

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If you don’t kiss the first time out with a girl, do you move on?