Best Questions to Ask a Girl: Part 2

“What do I say to her?”

“What should I ask her?”

“What kind of questions do you ask a girl?”

“What do girls usually like to talk about?”

“What if she thinks I’m awkward if I talk about my hobbies?”

“There’s no point in me introducing myself to her, I always go blank and run out of things to talk about.”

“I have absolutely nothing to talk about and nothing to ask her even though I’m really attracted to her.”

You may have experienced some of these thoughts, anxieties, and questions running through your head after getting past the initial hurdle of first introductions. In my last few years of coaching, these were often the most common questions I’d be asked, or areas where a lot of my students would get stuck.

A lot of men make the assumption that you’re either are a good conversationalist or not. But it’s really not that black and white. Like any other skill in life, becoming a smooth conversationalist and asking the right questions to get her attention and keep her interested can be learned and mastered with consistent practice.

When I first started learning about dating, most of the guys around me didn’t really have an understanding of what questions to ask a girl, or how to keep her interested and wanting to continue talking with you.

One common piece of advice that was given at the time was usually to keep “making statements,” which is basically to make an observation or open-ended deduction about her based on her appearance or even the vibe she’s giving off.

Another piece of advice was that you should always be nice to women and shower them with compliments about their appearance. A third suggestion I’d often hear was that you shouldn’t care at all, just completely be yourself, say whatever is on your mind, and tell her that you think she’s really hot or attractive.

While in some very rare cases these might work, nine times out of ten, they’re most likely going to make her feel awkward or uncomfortable, and cause her to quickly try to find a way to get out of the interaction with you. It’s easy to see why and how dating advice can easily be jumbled and confused for most guys who are just starting out and learning what kind of questions to ask a girl.

Some of these examples might be good for starting and continuing a conversation like making statements and being a little unfiltered. But a lot of guys who are just learning or starting out misinterpret them as the ONLY things you need to continue a conversation with a girl and keep her interested in you.

The best analogy I like to give every one of my students, especially when it comes to learning what kind of questions to ask a girl or what to know, say, and do to become a smooth conversationalist, is that it’s like being a mechanic and having a toolbox with all the tools that you need to fix a car.

Before we get into the gist of knowing what questions to ask a girl and how to keep her interested in continuing a conversation with you, simply understand that every single girl you interact with is going to be different. While there are a lot of common variables among girls that you will run into throughout the process of learning how to become successful with dating and relationships, it’s important to understand that all women are NOT THE SAME.

Both mainstream society and the dating community share one common flaw: conventional dating advice goes off the assumption that all women are the same in terms of how they think and react.

Going back to my earlier analogy about being a mechanic with a toolbox full of tools to fix the car, it’s important to have a mindset similar to the mechanic and have the flexibility to understand and quickly adapt to each individual girl that you will interact with.

What I often teach to my students and clients who take our dating programs is to be confident, social, and FLEXIBLE. Flexibility is important because humans are unpredictable and reactive emotional creatures. It’s important to fundamentally understand that each person has a different threshold.

By developing emotional intelligence, you’ll be able to test each situation, and test each girl’s threshold in how comfortable she is in your presence and if she’s giving off signals that she’s attracted is to you. I will go over the other aspects of emotional intelligence such as touch and non-verbal communication and body language in future posts.

Look for Approach Invitations

With that fundamental understanding in place, knowing that each girl is different, and therefore must be adjusted for in each situation, you’re probably asking yourself, “What are other things I should know before I initiate a conversation with a girl?” I often use the analogy of a quarterback reading a defense with approaching and initiating conversations. It’s important to look for what I call approach invitations. Just knowing simple things like:

If she looks like she’s in a rush to go to another place
If she has her headphones in and is not making eye contact with anyone
If her arms are crossed and she’s in a defensive position
If she’s with a group of friends
Not smiling back to you when you smile and make eye contact with her

Being able to pick up on these things makes all the difference before you even approach and try to start a conversation with her. It’s essential to look for approach invitations to see, know, and make a calculated deduction that will increase your chances of having a successful interaction and potentially getting a date.

Ways that Interactions Die Out

So you’ve read the approach invitations, you’ve opened her successfully, and you’ve introduced yourselves to each other, what now? This is the point where guys who are new or inexperienced with women will tend to lose the interaction. The conversation usually goes one of several different ways:

1. Anxiety takes over

When anxiety takes over, he gets trapped in his head and enters “fight-or-flight” mode. A range of feelings and behaviors start to manifest as a result:

He mumbles, stutters, or stumbles over his words.
His voice peaks high and cracks.
He starts to sweat excessively.
He completely freezes up.
He starts to make irrational decisions and starts filtering himself to appease the girl.
In some cases, he does the polar opposite and “un-filters” himself too much, to the point that she feels threatened and will most likely exit the interaction.

2. The conversation goes stale

He enters “interview mode” and starts asking too many general questions without direction such as:

What do you do for a living?
Where are you from?
Where did you grow up?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?

3. He doesn’t know what to say

This usually happens when he’s not “actively listening” or is constantly interrupting her.

These are a few common reasons why conversations die out and guys fail to keep the interaction moving forward towards a date with her. So what’s the solution?

The answer is incredibly simple:

Ask her how her day is going and actively listen to what she is saying.

Oftentimes, guys who are learning how to converse with the opposite sex tend to over-complicate things because of their anxieties and worrying about how a girl will perceive them. It often goes back to our preconceived notions about ourselves and treating each negative experience as the ONLY paradigm of what to expect from future interactions.

A big part of courtship and ensuring a successful interaction with a girl depends on emotional management. Learning how to manage your anxieties is important because as you get better at interacting with women, you learn that another part of your job with leading her is to manage her anxieties about herself and your perception of her.

Be an Active Listener

What does it mean to actively listen? Have you ever been in a conversation with a friend, family member, colleague, or even a girl that you’re attracted to, and felt like your mind was drifting to another place as that person kept talking?

It’s very common for our minds to drift, as we’re biologically hardwired to constantly think of the next move, the next plan, or the next place to go. It’s a defense mechanism meant to ensure our survival. But oftentimes it can sabotage our interactions with the opposite sex.

I’m sure you’ve had plenty of times in your life where you were heard but you felt that you were never actually “heard,” like when you asked your boss an important question but he was busy working at his computer and not giving you his full attention.

Presence is a very difficult practice, but if you’re able to ground yourself and actually pay attention to what she’s saying, it will make her feel more connected to you and make your rapport with her even stronger. It’ll also increase your magnetism or what some refer to as charisma.

Here are a few things you can do to actively increase your presence with her and shut your mind off:

Take a few deep breaths and refocus your attention back to her.
Put your phone in airplane mode and ignore your incoming messages.
Hold stronger eye contact with her.
If you’ve been progressively touching her throughout your interaction, prolong your touch. Pull back if she’s pulling back or tensing up and repeat.
Ask her about what she’s passionate about in life and why.
Ask her what her biggest dreams are and why.
Ask her about the most interesting things she has going on in her life at the moment and why.
Ask her how she felt as she’s describing a specific experience to you.
Pause for a moment if she stops talking and wait to see if she’ll say anything. (This builds sexual tension)

So you’ve built some rapport with her utilizing a few of the strategies I mentioned, and got her a little more invested in her interaction with you. When I provide this framework to my students, some of them tell me that their biggest anxiety is not sounding “real” or coming off as fake.

A lot of conventional dating advice will just give you a list of questions without providing any reasoning as to why they should be utilized in the first place. These prepared questions also usually come off as in-genuine or inorganic.

Having a list of prepared questions raises another issue, going back to what I was talking about earlier. A common mistake that guys fall into early on when talking to a girl they’re attracted to that they ask generic and boring questions such as “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” This makes it feel like you’re sitting in an interview rather than actually creating a connection with her.

These types of questions have their place in the interaction, and I’m not saying that you should completely discard them, but don’t completely rely on them to carry the interaction. They need to be used in moderation and balanced out when you’re asking her deeper questions about her life.

Standard interview mode questions should primary be utilized as a means of gathering logistical information like her prior or current relationship history, her relationships with her friends and family, and random facts about her that you can use for future interactions, such as her pet’s name or favorite food.

Ask Stronger Questions

Interview questions should always be balanced out with what I call stronger questions. I listed a few examples before such as asking her “What are you passionate about in life and why?” or “What are the most interesting things you have going on in your life at the moment and why?” So what exactly do stronger questions do for you in terms of strengthening your rapport with her?

They provide you with meaningful information about her, show her that you have genuine interest in her, and allow you to be vulnerable, real, and open, which is something a lot of men struggle with when it comes to meeting and connecting with women.

Stronger and deeper questions get her interested in you while simultaneously allowing you to screen her personality and find out if you’re compatible with her. They allow you to go deeper and take you out of the traditional dull script and into a fun and stimulating exchange.

Below are four things that you should consider when asking stronger and deeper questions to a girl that you’re attracted to. There’s nothing wrong with having a few fall-back questions when starting out, but in the long run you don’t want her to feel like she’s in an interview, because it creates an inauthentic vibe and drastically lowers your chances of creating attraction and comfort with her.

They should be open-ended.

Open-ended questions such as “What is your biggest passion in life?” or “If you had all the all the money in the world, what’s the first thing you would do?” allow for in-depth and detailed answers. You will actually start learning things about her that you can use later on in your future interactions. This will allow you to create a deeper connection and show her that you were actually listening.

They allow for a “give and take.”

What I mean by give and take is that after she answers your question, you should offer your own answer. If both of you are really getting into each other, she’s going to be just as interested in your answer as you were in hers. A strong question should lead into more questions after she’s done answering.

It’s okay to get side-tracked.

There’s nothing wrong with getting side-tracked when you’re asking a stronger question. You want to know her answer, but it’s essential to keep the momentum going and keep her interested. If she starts getting side-tracked and going off on random tangents, it’s a usually a good sign that she’s interested. Just go with the flow of the conversation.

They should be congruent with the conversation.

This may seem like common sense, but it’s still worth mentioning. A strong question is congruent with the rest of the conversation. If she’s talking about her dog, asking about her job wouldn’t make much sense. Ask her something about her dog or anything related to pets.

Stronger questions get people talking about their interests and passions in life. This is essential for increasing your likeability, which will help lead you towards a real and intimate conversation, not just a script.

It’s essential to have this understanding when you’re thinking about questions to ask a girl, because as logical as we think seduction may be, it’s actually a very emotional process. Being able to harness her emotions and lead her is crucial when you’re trying to connect and eventually date a girl you’re attracted to.

Recap & Summary

1. Before even initiating and thinking about what questions to ask a girl, it’s important to understand that not every girl is the same, and each interaction with a new girl is going to be different. There will be common variables, but remember to have flexibility in your interactions, as each girl has a different comfort threshold. Adopt a mechanic’s mindset and have the flexibility to understand and quickly adapt to each girl that you interact with.

2. Before going in and initiating a conversation with a girl, it’s important to look for approach invitations. Just knowing simple things like:

If she looks like she’s in a rush to go to another place
If she has her headphones in and is not making eye contact with anyone
If her arms are crossed and she’s in a defensive position
If she’s with a group of friends
Not smiling back to you when you smile and make eye contact with her

3. Ask her how her day is going and actively listen to what she is saying.

Take a few deep breaths and refocus your attention back to her.
Put your phone in airplane mode and ignore your incoming messages.
Hold stronger eye contact with her.
If you’ve been progressively touching her throughout your interaction, prolong your touch. Pull back if she’s pulling back or tensing up and repeat.
Ask her how she felt as she’s describing a specific experience to you.
Pause for a moment if she stops talking and wait to see if she’ll say anything. (This builds sexual tension)

4. Understand how to ask stronger/deeper questions.

They should be open-ended questions that allow for in-depth and detailed answers. You will start learning things about her that you can use in your future interactions to create a deeper connection and show her that you were actually listening.
They allow for a “give and take.” After she answers you, give her your own answer. If both of you are really getting into each other, she’s going to be just as interested in your answer as you were in hers. This should lead into more questions after she’s done answering.
It’s easy to get side-tracked when you’re asking a stronger question. You want to know her answer, but it’s essential to keep the momentum going and keep her interested. If she starts getting side-tracked and going off on random tangents, it’s a good sign. Just go with the flow.
A strong question is congruent with the rest of the conversation. If she’s talking about her dog, asking about her job doesn’t make any sense. Ask her something about her dog or something related to pets.

5. Have a balance of “interview mode” questions and “stronger questions” to gather information, establish rapport, and build a deeper connection with her.

Deeper/Stronger Question Examples:

Ask her about what she’s passionate about in life and why.
Ask her what her biggest dreams are and why.
Ask her about the most interesting things she has going on in her life at the moment and why.

Interview Mode Question Examples:

What do you do for a living?
Where did you grow up?
Where do you currently live?
What is your favorite food?
What kind of pets do you have?

So now you have all the steps, a better understanding of what questions to ask a girl you’re attracted to, and some new tools to add to your dating toolbox. For even more question ideas to keep your conversations interesting, check out our comprehensive list of over 100 questions to ask a girl.

Best of luck in developing your silver tongue,

-Rob

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Rob Virges

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