Rob VirgesI admit the title of this post may sound a little biased towards why you shouldn’t do online dating or even dating apps for that matter. It’s not meant to be biased or another one of those “Modern Romance” type analyses on the hookup culture and the state of dating today. It’s also not meant to take out any frustrations or a lack of success with online dating, as I’ve had plenty of successes (and failures) on online dating platforms.
As a dating coach, I’m all for the use of dating apps and online dating. While it may have drawbacks, it’s still possible to find love in the digital world. I’ve had some fun flings and a few really memorable relationships with some amazing women I’ve met through Bumble and Tinder. My former students from varying walks of life have also had success with finding love on all the various online dating platforms from Match.com to JSwipe.
But after a few years of experimenting with it, I’ve decided to take a hiatus from all online dating platforms. So why am I quitting online dating even though I just mentioned all the positive things about it?
I spent some time reflecting on it recently, and it boiled down to a simple and organic interaction I had with this pretty girl I met while I was doing work at a local Starbucks the other day. It started with a simple friendly conversation about what we were drinking, then to our work, and eventually it drifted towards the topic of online dating. It was pretty interesting to hear her perspective on the idea of finding love through the digital world.
While at first she was curious and just wanted to meet someone after coming off a long two year relationship, she found it overwhelming and not real at all, as every guy she swiped would be an immediate match and she’d get bombarded with too many matches and messages ranging from your standard “hey”, to your cheesy pickup line, to something really forward like how big her knockers were and why she should go out with him because of x,y, & z.
She eventually gave up on it, and vented to me about her frustrations about not being able to organically meet guys and just have simple and spontaneous conversations like the one we were having. I could empathize with her situation, although for myself and my students included, the world of online dating is the polar opposite for men. I would compare it to gambling or like pulling a slot machine.
Sometimes you get a match, and other times when you do, either she’s responsive for a moment and then it just dies, or instead of giving you the due diligence of un-matching you, you’re completely ignored.
Besides the frustrations that come with online dating, I was just thinking about how I had managed to meet, flirt, and connect with this really pretty girl in a local Starbucks by simply getting out of my house and being social. On a dating app, she might not have replied or even connected due to a whole list of factors I mentioned above, whether it’s being overwhelmed with matches and messages, or just superficial things about my dating profile.
So I’m going to give you a few reasons, followed by a challenge of why you should consider quitting online dating and dating apps.
It’s just too damn superficial.
I don’t mean to brag or sound like a douchebag, but I find it quite ironic and strange that I can meet, connect, flirt, and attract really pretty women in person much better than on an online dating app. I have a colleague and friend who makes a living optimizing dating profiles to get more matches, and I had him do my profiles. While I did manage to get a good amount of matches and dates, most of them weren’t exactly my type in terms of personality or looks.
Compared to meeting a really pretty girl who you’d probably deem out of your league in a normal day to day scenario, I managed to get dates and go out with these type of girls who normally wouldn’t match with you or even give you the time of day on a dating app.
Because of the high volume of matches for women, a lot of them have developed a filtering system based on the strength of your profile. This is purely based on anecdotal evidence from the various women I’ve interacted with about the topic of online dating. Most women usually have a checklist to filter through the high volume of messages from the hundreds of men trying their luck.
The downside for you is that if you don’t meet one of the minimum requirements or something on that checklist, you’re out. These superficial things can range from your physical appearance or your height, to what you do for a living, or how attention-grabbing and high quality your pictures are.
You get complacent and lazy.
There is really no personal or emotional growth from online dating, despite some of the obstacles and setbacks, for the men who know the rules of the game, how to play it efficiently, and leverage it to get more dates.
But with that, you have no incentive to go out, conquer your anxieties, break new milestones, meet prettier women, improve and hone your skill set, and build up your self-confidence in the process. This is one of the major factors as to why I’m quitting the online dating game. It’s made me complacent on many levels, partly because I’m a natural homebody. I’ve lost the edge and incentive to want to go out.
By going out, you’re creating more experiences for yourself that you normally wouldn’t get by staying home, whether it’s meeting new people who can introduce you to new things, opportunities, and experiences, honing your dating and social skills, and in general living a vibrant life and doing things that interest you. There’s more growth and evolution to be made by putting yourself out there rather than hiding behind the comfort of your smartphone apps.
It’s too time consuming and takes the thrill out of it.
While some people have said online dating is more efficient, I beg to differ. It takes so much damn time to look through every single picture, read every single bio, and come up with something creative to open her and hook her attention.
Sometimes you stumble upon a profile with a girl who is your exact type, physically and personality wise. You have similar hobbies, interests, and a lot of mutual friends. But because of the high volume of matches on her end and high standard filtering system, you have no shot, even with the optimizations, paid profile boost, and all the other bells and whistles to get her attention.
After getting matches and securing dates, reading profiles, writing messages, setting up the logistics can get time consuming and complicated, even if you just want a simple first date like grabbing a drink. The excitement is gone since you both already have a general idea of your personalities, interests, etc. What else is there to talk about? Where is the mystery and the fun?
Oh wait, I said it already, but let me say it again… IT’S JUST TOO DAMN SUPERFICIAL!!
It’s hard to create a connection online, especially something as powerful as an emotional connection. While it’s possible and there are things you can do to get matches and convert them to dates, it still just doesn’t feel real. I don’t know if it’s just me personally, but online dating and dating apps have made me pretty cold and emotionally distant.
Just like with dating in general, don’t ever take anything personally in the online dating world. As I’ve mentioned, the superficial things like looks, your bio, not being tall enough, career, status, etc. matter more. It feels so empty and cold.
There were times where I’ve really tried to have a genuine conversation based off my curiosities after looking at a girl’s profile. I tried this experiment for a while, just being genuinely curious and interested in what she does or what she’s all about and trying to have a conversation. But it usually turned into a game of assumptions coming from her end, with tests and objections like “Oh, you probably say this to every girl.” or something snarky, weird, and downright egotistical.
I remember a former Dating Mastery Program student who brought this up in class about never getting any matches and just feeling ugly or unwanted because of it. He was a pretty good looking guy with a great personality, cool hobbies, a great career, and a lot going for him. But he still struggled with self-esteem and confidence issues. He tried online dating for a little bit and it crushed his self-esteem even more. While I often say “toughen up and improve,” I could also see where he was coming from.
In a nutshell, nothing beats good old fashioned human interaction and human connection. So I challenge you to take a tech fast and put yourself out there for the summer. Yes, I challenge you to quit the online dating game and get out there, create new experiences, and meet new people.
I recommend doing it for 90 days, but you can start by trying it for just a month. I challenge you to just delete or deactivate all your profiles, get out of the house, push yourself, and meet women organically. Please send me an email and tell me about your experience with this challenge at [email protected], I’ll get back to you ASAP!
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
-Rob
Rob Virges
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
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